I'm sick

:[

thank God for One Tree Hill DVDs and Dayquill

because some people have wondered
...
this journal is friends only
...
....
...
because i don't appreciate my personal thoughts and feeling
spread across the internet for everyone to see
i only do that with my graphics. 
:]

The sun is rising? And yet it will set. A night of anguish? And yet it too, will pass. The important thing is to shun resignation, to refuse to wallow in sterile fatalism. That great pessimist King Solomon put it well: "The days come and the days go; one generation passeth away, and another generation cometh; but the earth abideth forever. The sun also riseth, and the sun goeth down...What has been will be..." Must we stop time, then, and the sun? Yes, sometimes we must try, even if it is for nothing. Sometimes we must try because it is for nothing. Precisely because an event seems devoid of meaning, we must give it one. Precisely because the future eludes us, we must create it.
*
I saw a commercial yesterday on MTV. It was one of those THINK ones, and it mentioned conserving energy. So, curious me, went and did some research and I kinda realized how two-faced I am on that subject. I tell people to recycle, I yell at my brother for leaving his light on, and yet, I'm on the computer for hours on end.
It just sucks because there's so many ideas I have and dreams I want to pursue, but they all seem so out of reach. I want to type them down, but I feel that if I let anybody know, that bubble of hope will pop.  Besides, all my WANT-TO-DOs are probably never going to occur in my life, so why bother. For one, I don't have the money, for another, I don't have the galls. 
I just wish I could figure everything out and have my life calm and complete before I head off to school. 

I am going to try and write an entry tomorrow. An actual one. And maybe finish the picture book for the gathering.
But right now I'm exhausted. I blame supernatural and the internet.

i am in a supernatural craze right now. (more than usual)

I'm forewarning everyone! The next journal entries will contain sorta a picturebook of my adventure at the gathering. I'm going to begin with the first day so the way you read it, the last day will be seen first. So just scroll down until you get to the beginning. I'm doing this because I have taken over 100 photos, too many to put under one cut. 
k

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having you walk away
And having so much to say
Never knowing
What could have been
And seeing that loving you
Was what I was trying to do

***

Its my last post on this computer. 
My room doesn't look like me room. All the posters are down, all the candles packed up, all the life taken away.
I hate it. It doesnt help that I'm sick. 
I've no idea why I'm posting an entry. I've nothing to say. The song above is really good. It's from Rascal Flatts. They're about the only country group I listen to. That song stuck to me just because of the lyrics. It's great to listen to if you don't want to let a person get away, and its great to listen to if you feel like wallowing over someone you lost. 
I went shopping today. Bought sixty dollars worth of clothes. For some reason I don't like the outfits though. 
Now I'm just rambling, but sitting in this empty room depresses me. And the medicine is making me drowsy. Food sounds good about now.  Sorry for a waste of an entry.

I DONT KNOW

Have some composure and
where is your posture?
oh no no!
you're pulling the trigger
pulling the trigger
all wrong



Today was a day. I wasn't particularly fond of it. For some reason I felt like a bitch. A complete, horrible bitch. And for no reason at all. I honestly don't have any reason. I guess it's because of the stress and the dissapointment. It seems like everyday people just screw me over. I believe it's become a habit. Like I said, I didn't even want to talk with my friends. Not that they wouldn't understand, it's just that I didn't want to tell them. I hate admitting defeat. I hate admitting that I need help. And I especially hate hearing sympathy. I'm a loner. I heal by myself. And that's the way it'll always be. Even if it takes awhile, I'll get out of this deep hole.
ugh, I believe the thing that really sent me over the edge was the postsecrets book Michelle brought in. It was a great book and I think it was brilliant. But when you see one of your secrets, thrown in your face. To have it RIGHT THERE. It's unnerving and shaked my nerves to the bone. Actually I saw two of my secrets. But one of them was obvious. Anyone can look at me and know I'm worried about it. But one of them. One of them was a secret I've kept hidden inside of me for 10 years. Ten years, and I'd hoped to keep it buried. I'd hope to take it to my grave. But there it was. It had my name written in the subscript. It was BLARING my name. It took all I had not to slam the book closed. To pretend it hadn't said that. That I hadn't just read MY DIRTY LITTLE SECRET. 
The rest of the day was a waste after that. I sat in my assigned chair, I pretended to pay attention, when really I was dead lost in my thoughts. A few times I dared my teachers to call on me. Because you would have had to pry my mouth open to get me to talk. My body was there but my heart wasn't. 
That's why I believe I showed no emotion in drivers ed today. normally, when I knock a cone over I'm furious with myself and embarrased. Today, I didn't even bother to pick it up. When Sweeting asked me why, I shrugged my shoulders and drove on. There were even a few simple moments when I was driving and the music was blasting, I thought about running into the guardrail. I could have. If I hadn't turned the wheel I would have made one nasty accident. It wasn't like I slowed down. The speed and the risk of being yelled out somehow soothed me. 
Taking the keys. What an utter embarrasement. From now on the kids in my class with always think of me as the key-stealer. But it wasn't like I meant to. I just grabbed my CD, slammed the door, and walked back to the portico. I saw know need in Mr. Sweeting screaming out, "Five! You stole my keys! Why'd you take my keys?!" I also saw no need in me having to walk all the way back out there just to hand it to him when he was on his bike and could have driven over to me. No, instead he'd rather me walk the walk of shame where everyone could see me. 
My day didn't improve any when I got home and tried to distract myself with homework. My mother decided to hound me about stupid, unimportant stuff. It's a miracle I've lasted this long. But I have finally managed to get some piece and quiet in my own privacy. Thank God for headphones. And nine inch nails. They seem to finalize what I'm feeling at the moment, 
Oh well, I suppose I should go. Although I see no reason why, with the past haunting me like this I know I won't get any sleep tonight. I will lie awake in my bed, staring at the ceiling, and wondering why me. Why I had to be the victom. why something ten years past couldn't stay in the past. maybe I'll go through my letters of ryan and burn them. or maybe I'll write to the friends I've forgotten in AL. or maybe I'll just wallow in my grief.

Right now I'm alittle pissed off. The ac is broke so I'm sitting in my own house, dying. 
I know I have not written in a long time, and I apologize, I've just been busy with schoolwork. 
So, the day started out good. Got to school, went to 1st period. All we did was take a few notes, then watched School of Rock. Michelle and I attempted to uncover the secrets to Mr. Cook's magic tricks, but couldn't.
Then it was on to 2nd period. Thankfully we were in the classroom again, which basically means a free day. I helped Jason tell Alex about the card tricks, and then wrote a long note to Stef. Even though I shouldn't have. She is still adament about _____ being gay. I know why, though. She hates the fact that I might have potential when she doesn't. She's jealous. And it pisses me off.
Then on to 3rd, where I just sat staring at the board, not understanding a thing my math teacher wrote. also, bad. 
oh! I might add that while talking to stef and brigitte in the halls ______ walked by and stef tripped him. i could have slapped her.                          fourth was also bad. we apparenty didnt do the project right. just dandy.  on the way to fifth i ran into _____, which made me happy, but my spirits were dropped when stef met me halfway to class and started riding him really bad.  i suppose sixth was was alright. 

now im home...with no air.  and I've been discovered on myspace by one of my old friends. naturally, this sounds good. if only he hadn't dated two of my friends from church. Nine months ago I would love for him to talk with me again, but ever since he dropped out of y.g. and school it's been really hard. Also, I go to his myspace profile and read some of his "facts" he smokes and he lost his virginity. Now, I know having sex isnt a big deal or anything, but the time period he said he had was around the time he was dating my friend. so...there'll be some explaining to do. and somehow i made it on his top 8?!!!? I've got a lot to work on with my friendship with him. great.
okay, leaving now. ttyl